[♪]
♪ I used to be the queen of the music scene♪
♪ Cristal, Prada, limousines ♪
♪ I was living large 'til trouble found me ♪
♪ Now I'm stuck in hell suburbia ♪
♪ Never knew what two kids could do to ya ♪
♪ Soccer moms and car pools make me scream ♪
♪ (screams) ♪
♪ This is gonna be tough ♪
♪ But I've got to ma-ma- Mother Up! ♪
[yawn]
Run, Fergus!
I got it!
Nope! Still stuck!
Kick it to the net!
He's touching his brain!
[snoring]
[cheering]
[gasp]
There better be a good reason you called me away
from my mommy and me time.
With whom are you 'mommy and me-ing'?
Your children are here.
Uh, I'm a mommy and I was having some me time.
Now what's the problem?
Your daughter is - how shall I put this? -
on the verge of complete physical decay.
[exhausted sigh]
Probably just the flu.
What's the matter, honey? Do you have the sniffles?
Argh!
Those not be the sniffles, lass.
She's got the pirates disease, and so do I!
Or I would have it,
were I a merchant sailor of the 1700's
with nary a fresh vegetable or fruit to sup upon in weeks.
What Nurse Higgins meant -
school nurse and community theatre president.
What this silly cow
is so ham-handedly struggling to express
is that Apple has scurvy,
a disease that science cured 200 years ago,
and which in this day and age is entirely unacceptable.
Scurvy? Is it contagious?
Did she catch it in this germ factory?
Absolutely not.
It is a result of faulty diet. What have you been feeding her?
Hmm...
♪ [harp] ♪
Fine.
What do I have to do to make her less scurvy-y.
♪ If you want to make the scurvy go away, ♪
You have to eat fruit and veggies every day - ♪
[taser zapping] Ah!
Self defense.
I thought she was crazy and coming for me.
Understood.
Now, unless Apple's health shows a marked improvement,
I will have no choice but to notify child services,
and they will remove this waif
to a more suitable home environment.
Alright, dial it back a little,
nobody likes a drama queen.
I've got this under control...
And... let's just keep this our little secret for now, 'kay?
Thanks.
What the hell is this?
Your incompetence has put us all at risk
of losing our 5-star school ranking,
so we've organized a celebrity fundraiser
to help with the care of your child.
[mocking voice] Oh, a celebrity!
Is it Rachel Ray?
[laughs]
We would not spend that kind of money on your child.
But we do have available on short notice, Andy Dick.
[laugh track]
Not so funny now, is it?
Mom!
We got the chickens for our science project!
Not now, Dick. Mommy's under siege.
There is nothing wrong with my child.
Right, sweetie?
Okay, those baby teeth have been loose for weeks.
It's a natural part of growing up.
Dick, tell your chicken to stop eating your sister's teeth.
[chicken swallowing teeth]
Come on, Apple.
Just one bite.
No! It's yucky!
Fine. What's your price?
No!
Everyone has a price. What are ya lookin' for -
new doll, princess dress?
Some kid on the school yard giving you trouble?
Maybe needs to take a walk and not come back?
[Apple screaming]
[clucking]
How the hell is that science?
I'm going to prove that with positive reinforcement,
soothing music, and a comfortable environment,
chicken will lay more eggs.
♪ [soothing music] ♪
See? It's working already!
[Apple screaming]
[♪]
How was I supposed to know
kids need to eat fruits and vegetables?
I'm not a doctor.
They won't really take Apple away from you, will they?
Who the hell knows?
Your kid gets one completely preventable
18th-century disease
and suddenly you're a crappy parent.
Dammit!
Ahh... That's the stuff.
God, why can't all air taste this good?
It's too bad they can't make vegetables addictive.
[♪]
Just one bite and Dolly gets a new car.
[chewing]
Ew!
It hurts!
It's making me sick!
I hate...
[giggle]
Bad parent my ass.
Rudi one - parenting nothing.
[chicken clucking]
Okay, we'll call this round a draw.
[♪]
[contented sigh]
See that, Dick? Thanks to Mommy's brilliance,
Apple no longer looks like that homeless guy
that died in front of our old apartment!
And my chicken laid a dozen eggs
thanks to Deepak Chopra's books on tape,
hot yoga, and my massage therapy.
I'm gonna get an a for sure!
Apple's getting healthy,
you're rocking your science project.
This family's on a roll.
But if anyone asks,
don't tell them you've been massaging your chicken.
Why? Sometimes you just gotta trust your mother.
Excuse me!
Healthy, high achieving children coming through!
[crowd chatter]
What's this goat rodeo about?
Agnes Chu probably won another trophy.
That girl is unstoppable.
And the prize for best diorama goes to Agnes Chu
for "Playtime at the Chu's".
[crowd applauds]
[school bell rings]
All right,
let's not spoil the child with too much validation.
Off to class.
Good morning!
Have you noticed my alive and healthy daughter?
Hi, Principal Moxley.
My, she does look better.
I'm feeding Apple so many fruits and veggies,
next thing you know she'll be winning trophies of her own.
[mocking laughter]
You lack the maternal skill set
required to create a star student.
Look in the case and tell me what you see.
Hmm...
A cute before with a terrible after?
Raising a star student takes an iron will and discipline.
There is no prize for raising
"Child most likely to die on the streets".
[pained voice] Wow. You took that so well!
Good for you!
My kid is going to destroy her kid,
if it's the last thing I do.
I'm taking down the Chu.
"Toddler decathlon."
"How to make your preschooler multi-lingual."
"12 easy steps to give your baby washboard abs."
Apple's already five... she'll never catch up!
Careful Rudi -
magazines like that just encourage parents
to put undue pressure on their children.
Were the doctors able to get Fergus's finger out of his nose?
They say it'll come out on its own after a few days.
Oh my, look at all the ads
for pharmaceuticals in the back pages.
They'll give your kids pills for anything.
I know. It's great, right?
[♪]
[clucking]
what are these, Mommy?
Helper vitamins.
With these you'll be able to make the very best -
one of... those weird things.
Might even get it in the trophy case.
With my picture...
Your picture... Our picture!
I don't care if I win a trophy.
Well, you should care.
I'll see if I can find a pill for that.
In the meantime, take this one.
[clucking]
There you are!
Time for your bath.
You better not use my La Mer products,
or we're having chicken burgers for dinner...
[inquisitive clucking]
[♪]
[gasp] Holy hell, Apple, that's incredible!
But it wouldn't have killed you to put some coffee on...
Look Mommy,
the ship is society's false abundance
and the squid is our debt-fueled consumerism.
It's only a matter of time before the tentacles squeeze.
I'm just saying - it takes like 30 seconds.
Cool!
Chicken likes it.
Exposure to art helps egg production.
Go get ready,
because this is going in a trophy case!
[yawn] I'm tired, Mommy.
Can I go to sleep?
I'm sorry, honey,
but if you miss school,
Mrs. Moxley might phone some bad people
to take you away.
Hmm... Let Mommy see what she can do.
"Kiddyuppers." Perfect!
[dialing phone]
Thank you online pharmacy!
This just arrived for you, Mom.
Huh. That was fast.
Look Apple, more vitamins!
Take these,
and then we can show everyone at school
what a good mother I am...
And what a great student you are.
[chicken swallowing pills]
[loud cluck]
♪ [psychedelic music] ♪
[frightened clucking]
This could not have been created by your malnourished child.
Maybe not your child,
but trust me - this is all Apple.
I want that one!
It's pretty!
A chess club trophy?
No, honey -
you want to win something you can brag about.
Nobody but other chess players
are impressed by chess trophies,
and anyone who wants to impress a chess player
is worse than a chess player - and they're horrible.
No! It's pretty!
I want it!
Impossible.
You would have to beat Agnes,
and she's the youngest female chess master...
In the world.
Checkmate!
This is unacceptable!
Agnes, come.
No bathroom privileges until you improve.
[♪]
[clearing throat]
I think you're forgetting something...
You know what's funny?
Agnes is what, like 10?
Just imagine how much more
Apple will have accomplished by then.
My child is the best!
Mrs. Chu, what in the name
of Margaret Thatcher's ghost are you doing?
Looking for cybernetic implants.
Her brain must be connected to a super computer.
It's the only way this can happen!
Oh, I'm not a super computer,
just a really good, Mom.
C'Mon my little genius,
let's go wash the stench of jealousy out of your hair.
This is not over!
I know -
we still have more trophies to win.
[♪]
Okay, Synaptastic to promote critical thinking,
Sleepicide to stay alert,
Comadise to promote restful sleep,
and Tissue Bloom for muscle growth.
Perfect.
Gimme a month's worth of everything
and fire in some muscle relaxants for me.
Being a good mom is stressful.
[grunting with effort]
And I can't remember what this one is for -
so maybe take two just to make sure.
That's Mommy's little superstar.
Let's get to soccer practice and kick some ass...
I mean balls... soccer balls.
[chicken swallowing pills]
[loud clucking]
♪ [psychedelic music] ♪
[frightened clucking]
[Apple growling]
[whistle blown]
[children screaming]
[whistle blown]
Boom! Take that, Chu!
[Apple growling]
[agnes screaming]
[children groaning in pain]
[Apple roaring]
[♪]
Dick... wake up...
Dick.
Are you talking?
You can talk.
Chickens can't talk!
I have witnessed the slaughter, Dick.
The cages - all of us crammed in there.
Imprisoned, made fat,
and then butchered for consumption.
I won't go back.
I should maybe tell my mom that my chicken's talking.
No! She won't believe you.
She'll send me away to certain death.
You need to help me.
The world must know my story,
the horror I've seen.
But I have to give you back at the end of the week.
Then we better get to work.
[♪]
For mankind to truly evolve,
then empathy must be extended to all species.
A little to the left.
More. More.
More.
Perfect.
I did it!
I have created and nurtured a child
that shames all of your unworthy off-spring.
Accept!
No! Something is not right here.
I demand your Apple be tested
for performance enhancing drugs!
I resent that!
Apple is simply on a regimen of healthy foods and vitamins,
all of which are perfectly legal and federally approved.
She's just a normal little girl who takes care of herself.
[grunting with effort]
You are a liar!
You are not capable of raising a better child than me.
Whatever.
Look - Agnes won two whole years ago.
It's time for some new blood.
Speaking of which...
[whistles] Apple! Time to go!
[maniacal panting]
Wassa?
Apple want!
Apple want more pretty!
What's that trophy for?
Name's Tobias thimbledump,
and I'm a bit of a legend around these parts.
And here we go...
I was the last student to win the school's oldest trophy
in the year 1801.
What for, weirdo?
Why for the tight rope a'course.
Huh. How come I've never noticed that before?
The school board no longer allows frolic on this apparatus.
Apparently insurance companies don't see the value
in teaching children to overcome life's obstacles
by falling great distances.
So what happened to this Tobias?
You mean what happened to me?
Tobias thimbledump?
I died on this very spot!
And the rumor is that I haunt the rope in boyhood form...
Thank you!
Thank you.
And the award goes to -
oh wait, that will never happen.
All right. Let's go.
No one's walking across any ropes, ever.
Should you even entertain the thought,
child services will be summoned
to snatch up you daughter like a muscle-bound bunny.
What kind of messed up freak of nature
would even attempt to -
Apple? [gasp] Apple! no!
I'm going to get the trophy,
then write a book on funambulism
and the moment of inertia,
then bench 350, then go to bed!
[Apple growling]
[Apple screaming]
[Apple crying]
Thank God for medicine -
and I swear that's the last time.
For her. I'm a grown up.
What are you doing with my helpers?
What I should have done right after you won all the awards -
thinking about your health.
But I need them to do the tightrope!
You are not doing that. Now have a snack.
Yuk! They're gross again!
I hate them.
I hate you!
That's just the detox talking.
[gasp] No!
Where are they?
Where are the pills?
I think my mom threw them all away.
But I need [cluck]
You sounded like a chicken again.
Regression...
Come! I don't know how much time is left.
APPLE: Lemme out!
I want my trophy!
I thought you said Apple was in there?
That is Apple.
Now don't judge me, you would have done the same.
I've had Apple on a strict regimen of a few -
well, maybe a few too many -
performance enhancing drugs.
You... you what?!
Don't look at me like that.
All of them were perfectly legal and government tested -
otherwise they wouldn't let veterinarians
give them to horses.
What do you want me to do?
Help me get her through detox,
so Mrs. Moxley doesn't tell child services
I turned my five year old into a raging drug addict.
Well, it sounds like she's calmed down.
Get ready to duck.
[♪]
[gasp] Where could she have gone?
Dammit! The tightrope!
We have to stop her!
Man's inhumanity towards
what it considers lesser [cluck]
creatures is a [cluck]
reflection of an immoral [clucking]
faster Dick!
There isn't much [cluck] time!
Apple! Stop it!
Nooo!
[photo taken]
Now what? I don't know.
That's as far as I got with my plan.
Tobias thimbledump at your service.
I'm scared.
I want down.
[frightened panting]
Sure. I'll help you.
Here, take my hand.
[laughs] You'll never get my trophy!
Never! [laughs]
whoa!
You're a meany! I don't like you.
[Apple roars]
I... I can't watch!
Nooo!
My ankle!
You broke my ghost ankle!
How is that even possible?
You did it!
Don't ever do it again - but you did it!
I'm proud of you!
And angry.
I feel dizzy and my tummy is mad.
It's okay, sweetie. That's called the shakes.
You just have to ride it out.
[clucking]
Where will you go?
[cluck] My time is almost done.
[cluck] I have to act while I can still [cluck] think.
[cluck]
But what about my science project?
It's in your hand [cluck]
Mom! Mom!
I got an a on my project and I won the science award!
Good for you.
I'm proud of you guys.
You got an a on your science project.
And Apple's made it through the worst of detox.
I'm sorry for calling you a [profuse, censored swearing]
Stupid [profuse, censored swearing].
Withdrawal is a hell of a thing...
[gasp]
I trust you exercised better judgment
than to have allowed your daughter
to climb that ladder and walk that tightrope.
What? No! Of course not.
I would never let her do that.
Mrs. CHU: More lies!
She would, and she did.
I'm afraid you have left me with no choice.
I will have to contact the proper authorities
and have you declared unfit for parental responsibilities.
She broke through the wall in her room.
I was watching her door!
And... Wait a minute.
You know what? Let's call the police.
They really should know about this.
Excuse me?
Such a dangerous apparatus in the playground?
My daughter could have broken her neck, or worse!
I really think we should alert the police,
and the media,
and the school's insurance company.
Understood.
However misguided your care may be,
Apple shall remain under it - for now.
Great.
What? This is not justice!
You may have won this time but Agnes will rise again...
If she rises high enough, she'll break even with my kid.
Come on, kids.
So whatever happened to your chicken?
I don't know...
[door slams open]
[ticking time bomb]
[♪]
[startled and embarrassed clucks]
[♪]
I'm here to see the colonel. [cluck]
[♪]
[squawk]